It is inevitable and it is irrecoverable. And yet, it has to be dealt with. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it as I have mine.
Unfortunately, mine started with listening to a song that will now become a memory attached to the loss. Ironically, the song is completely unrelated and until yesterday, was of no consequence.
How do we attach these songs with such important moments? I have no idea. However, please listen to song about love, laughter and joy that now, I associate with loss.
That first look, that first smile.
I knew that I had gone fragile.
The heart pounding, with joy.
The brain, frozen, a broken toy.
That first hi, I knew I was done.
Not a single day now, is a burden.
I knew not what to do.
I knew not what to do.
Love, it is not, I think so.
Infatuation, I hope so.
Not because I can’t get you.
Not because I don’t want you.
Simply because you are perfect.
A gemstone without any defect.
Any closer, and two things happen.
Either I die, or my spirits dampen.
I burn by your flame like a moth.
Or the truth burns my soul draught.
The distance, keeps the heart fonder.
The void, keeps the relation stronger..
Funny word, this is. It stands against everything our survival instincts stand for.
How can we hate ourselves? But we do. All of us go through a moment which is simply painful. So much so, that you want to cry. Unfortunately, the tears have dried up.
It is just a moment. Nothing more. But that moment is larger than anything that is felt by you. The reasons can be many. A girl who hurt you, a girl you hurt. Someone who left you forever! Someone you left when they needed you. Each reason can bring self-loathing to you.
One case is however, more intense than others. One case, where you are not only in self-loathing mode, you actually physically hate yourself in third person. When does this happen? When you hurt yourself. When you cheat on yourself and when you leave yourself.
Sounds weird, impossible, untrue. Well, it all is happening to me right now. I am cheating on myself. I am hurting myself and above these two, I think I am leaving myself. Why is not important.
The important fact is that I don’t know how to bring myself back. This relationship is the most important one I have had and I don’t know how to make it right. I want to make it all right but like in any relationship I am too panicked to do the right thing.
I just want to take an action that makes things right or wrong. I have to do something and everything I am doing is not working out. I started this journey with a plan but now, I do not have any vision of that plan in sight. What has happened? Why do I get distracted so easily? Why am I not the guy I love sometimes? It is a beautiful life but why am I not making it even prettier.
Why am I cheating on myself?
There are five stages of dealing with loss, I have heard. The Kubler-Ross model says that the stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While people might feel a few of them or all of them in different orders, mostly they will have to end at acceptance to move on with their lives.
However, what if the loss is actually of a relationship. I believe that an end to a relationship is not unlike death. When two people come together, they combine to become a new entity; an entity that gets dissolved when the relationship breaks. The pain is almost vengeful and wants to hurt you for letting the relationship die.
This makes me wonder if the same five stages are observed after a relationship ends. Perhaps! Probably!
The interesting part is not this but the fact that these five stages are experienced by two people and if they experience it in two different times, chaos ensues. What if for one person, the relationship died sometime before it ceased to exist for the other person?
Do you think that it is this asynchronous relationship death causes the friction at the end of the relationship? While one person is going through denial, other is going through anger. When the first person reaches anger, the second one is already depressed and by the time someone actually reaches bargaining, an acceptance has creeped in the relationship demise. Voila! You are done with the cycle while the second person is still trying to understand the head and tail of everything.
What should be done? Trying to match the frequency is one way, although I doubt it would work as it is the lack of frequency that is causing the end of the relationship in the first place. What to do?
Is it best to go through the steps quickly so that you are hurt less. Or is there nothing else to do except going through the pain.
For once, I do not have an answer. The pain is there and by the time it will go, there won’t even be the wound left. Probably a scar to remind me of the nth time I screwed up.