This time with emotions...

I have time to grow up. I do not just know that because of all the pain that I am feeling right now but also because of all the pain I am causing right now. Ironically, both are intricately related. I am the one causing pain to myself. There is a couplet by Javed Akhtar:

Khud hain apne safar ke dushwari.
Apne pairon ke aable hain hum..

[Myself am my journey's hurdle/I am my feet's blisters]

This has always resonated with me. However, in recent times I had the feeling that I am now all grown up and mature and this is not going to happen again. It will happen again. Not because I am weak or because that is what fate has decreed upon me.

This will happen again because despite everything, sometimes, I will still act like a human being and will react emotionally to situations when I should not. Sometimes, the human in me will overpower me. I will have to find a way to either civilise that human or I will have to find alternative ways to pacify and rationalise with myself.

I have to find more commitment and conviction for my goals. That might work. That just might work.

It is one solution that has many possibilities and all of them good. 

Pain

You are selfish, said the selfless one.

You are lazy, said the hardworker.

You are adamant, said the gullible.

Loser, said the one who lost.

I was judged thoroughly.

Every single time.

The judgements are right.

I’ll chime.

They are all right.

They all know the truth.

I am selfish, lazy, adamant all.

Loser too, is an ok call.

Please then, see through me right.

And leave me, alone, tonight.

The ghosts have bothered me not much.

The past too haunts me zilch.

It is the present,

It is the people.

People who claim all the love.

People who care for me.

Please stay,

Far away from me.

Maybe I need you.

Maybe I will die without.

But let me die this once please.

I don’t want you so.

Please stay away from me.