Death scares me.

A thought just struck me.

We all die. It is such a common phenomenon that no one ever questions it. As we were born we shall die. It is the only reality; the bottom-line. But what happens after we die. What happens? Do we just vanish? Is there a soul? Is there God?

Just imagine the toiling one does in this world. Since birth all we do is learn, for survival. Be it walking, dancing, learning science, going school or clearing JEE. Every action is just a manifestation of the underlying current which points towards survival in this world which even after so much humanization is nevertheless, still cruel. We need big bucks to live better. I would not use happy as it is a state of mind. But the truth remains the same anyhow. We may not be animals but the rules still are the same. The act has sophisticated itself, that’s all.

I am however straying from my point. The point is that even after doing all this we die. Period.

A housefly has a life of about 2 days. All it does is find food and then a place to lay eggs and then die peacefully. Why peacefully? Because it shall live even after its death in the larvae that will take birth. This was its aim in this world and it completed it successfully. A fly has the bliss of ignorance, we humans unfortunately do not have this luxury. We know that our children are so different from others that we can not call that surviving exactly. (Though the idea is so awesome that I definitely will have a child of my own sperms. My only ticket to survival.)

Anyways what I mean is that we will eventually die and maybe our work will be appreciated afterwards. All good and bad things will be said about us but they do not matter now, do they? I am not a great believer of God. Agnostic by definition and close to atheist practically. So according to me after this heart stops its all over. Finish. The End. Good bye. Sayo-nara. Whatever you want to say. And this scares me. It scares the hell out of me. Because it means that I am a waste. I read about making a difference and changing myself so that people remember me but even when all these lovely words are flowing in my ears I can hear a murmur. This murmur today I realized were three words which my mind played continuously in the back. “You die anyway.”

Sorry for being dramatic but WE DIE ANYWAY!! And what after that. Nothing. Blank. Every happiness, sorrow, jealousy, hate, love is a blur. A useless stroke of hormones mingling in a chemical reaction which comes in a bottle with an expiry date.

If though there is a heaven then I might live, maybe in after-life but still  in some form. Even hell seems a better option than oblivion. There is a sentence in ‘Harry Potter’ said by ‘Dumbledore’. “Outright hatred is better than complete ignorance.” Similarly hell seems a better option than no existence at all.

I never thought I would say this but the romantic thought of the existence of a God or maybe multiple Gods is much more pleasing to me than the absence of one. I may call myself atheist, agnostic or by any other name, the truth though is that I am actually hoping for a God because it is only by the survival of this God do I survive death.

Liked it.. As well…

MEMORANDUM
TO: All Employees
RE: Training for Success

================================================

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (SHIT.). We are trying to give employees more SHIT than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive you share of SHIT on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Employees who don't take their SHIT will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEP SHIT). Those who fail to take DEEP SHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EAT SHIT). Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they don't have to do SHIT anymore, and are all full of SHIT already.

If you are already full of SHIT, you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List  (BULL SHIT).

Those who are full of BULL SHIT will get the SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIP SHIT).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOT SHIT).

Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (BIG SHIT)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programs (DIP SHIT)

P.P.S. For those that have maxed-out on their SHIT training and clawed their way to the top of the SHIT heap, please see the company Memorandum regarding retirement options.

Liked it..

                           Girls are like
                  apples on trees. The best
              ones are at the top of the tree.
            The boys don't want to reach for
        the good ones because they are afraid 
       of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
      just get the rotten apples from the ground
     that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
       at the top think something is wrong with
        them, when in reality, they're amazing.
          They just have to wait for the right
               boy to come along, the one
                    who's brave enough
                            to climb
                           all the way
                            to the top
                           of the tree.
                                                  borrowed from megan

Wannabe serious.. Forced to be funny..

Hi everyone..

I want to be serious today. But it is not done. A part of me wants to be funny. And obviously who among you want to hear something serious. Life is too serious as it is without me forcing my own misery down your throat.

So am forced to write something funny. Hmm.. So what should I write? Maybe a weird thought like the ones I usually have. Or maybe try my hand at funny poetry.

So funny poetry first..

Mirror mirror on the wall.

Who is the hunk, tell all.

Yes my master I shall speak.

Though let me tell you your chances are bleak.

It must be the guy from the bar.

For whom your wife left you at the altar.

Smash.. Crash..

Sorry for that people. I will get someone to pick up the shards.

 

Ahem.. So where were we. Something funny like… umm.. a quote maybe.
Working in a big organization is like wearing a condom during sex. It gives a feeling of faith, recognition and security while getting fucked.

Sorry sorry.. Its true. Oh! but truth can be funny too. Don’t bother.

 

Still not having a smile on your face. Let me see, lemme see.

Tell me what is the definition of a Boss in modern management? This question is especially for my beloved friends who were with me learning business management.

Ah.. the answer is..

Boss is a person who thinks that nine women together can produce a child in one month. 
Ha Ha Ha.. :P

Now I have told you a funny poem and a quote and a funny question too. What should be next? A story. No, it will be too long. An incident; naa, too boring. So what should it be..

 

Eureka..
A picture is worth a thousand words.

 

^_^

Peace…

Amavas

ek nazar jo utha ke dekha

har taraf ek hi aks nazar aaya

kuchh waqt hi yun ho gaya tha

us amavas ki raat mein

ek chaand mujhko nazar aaya.

 

ye bhi baat ajeeb lagti hai

ki koi yaad itni taaza ho zehen mein.

sach-jhooth ki parvah hi kyon karun

jab hai tu mere paas

us amavas ke lams mein.

 

milo kabhi phir to batana

koi lamha mera jo tumhare paas tha.

lafz mere jo tumne sune honge.

pooranmasi ke chaand par batana

aaj amavas ka chaand tha.

 

boondein kuchh paani ki

aankhein bhigane lagi hain.

nalayak hain saari ki saari.

amavas ka andhera aur sannatta dekhkar

teri yaad mein gaane lagi hain.

Love’s Labor’s Lost

This is a play –comedy- by William Shakespeare. But whosoever has read this blog knows one thing about me. It is not about this play.

Have you ever fallen in love? Do you know what love is? Can love be lost?

These questions are in my mind right now. I do not know the answer to all but the first one is a yes. And third seems yes now. I was thinking over what life gives us and what we make of it. I was thinking how much we care about others and how our decisions are made of their feelings and decisions. Then I thought about LOVE some more.

 If you love someone like anything.

You are in love.

What is true love? Is loving someone even when the feeling is not reciprocated true love? So, anyone who moves on never loved, eh? And every widow that married again was what- a whore? (Sorry for my language.. It is seemingly getting from bad to worse. Time to go home and improve my vocabulary. )

Anyways as I was saying, every woman or man who married after a divorce or because the spouse ..uh left hasn’t loved.

It seems ninety-nine percent of people never fall in love at all. :)

Now let me see it through a different glass.

Maybe I am seeing it from a wrong perspective. True love necessary doesn’t mean you can’t marry someone else. But our society seems to be clinging to the fact that a Love where one of the two pines away for other is the best kind of love. Giving yourself pain for the sake of other is true love indeed. What greater sacrifice than yourself?

I do not believe that, obviously. I have always been an advocate of reciprocation. If the feeling is not reciprocated then it is wasting yourself on someone who doesn’t worth you. Being with someone who doesn’t worth you is well lets just say bad. (I am really having a bad vocabulary day).

Do I know love? No, I don’t. I have felt it but anyone who tries to describe it in words is wasting his or her time like millions before them and billions after them. And to try to explain it with adamancy that this and only this is true love is even more idiocy. Its like saying that my religion is the best religion in the world. Or my toffee is the sweetest in the world. All are nothing but false claims and every one of the person saying is just an adamant child. Love and God are too huge things to sum up in two lines or three religions. The child with the toffee on the other hand might actually win his claim.

This is what I thought about love. It is how you feel for a person. It is not what your action is that defines LOVE. It is how you feel. The action taken by us are manifestation of our sick and crooked mind. It might be what Devdas did, or what Prithviraj Chavhan did or what you or me do.

This is what I thought about love, basically.

Now about the first question and third question. First I have already said yes and meaning I have felt love. Obviously, my poems show this a bit; after all they are my reflection.

The third question is a bit complicated you know. I always had the feeling that love once created always live in the heart.The feelings you had for someone are always different from what you do about those feelings. But the feeling is there.

In essence I thought that Love can never be lost but this feeling is slowly changing. I was talking to my friend and as my friend tried to convince me that love once is love forever and I had had my chance, I began to realize something else. Life is dynamic. It is we who cling to memories and forget to live. OK, the exact thing I was thinking was that “I am hungry” and “How do I make my friend understand?”. Then I realized that it is me who has to understand the difference between love and action. As I said earlier, our mind changes the interpretation of the same feeling of love. And as I am understanding it more, the craving is getting sub-due.

What I was thinking was whether it is the feeling of love that is dying or just the craving? I can’t seem to find the difference.

I would like to end this with a poem of Kaifi Azmi-

Talatum, Valvale, Haijan, Armaan     

Sab uske saath rukhsat ho chuke the.

Yakeen tha, ab na hasna hai na rona.

Kuchh itna hans chuke the ro chuke the.


Kisi ne aaj ek angrai lekar.

Nazar mein reshmi girehein laga din.

Talatum, Valvale, Haijan, Armaan

Vahi chingariyan phir muskura din. 

 

Talatum- Tsunami

Valvale- Earthquake

Haijan- Excitement

Jung

Ek lamha uthao.

Alfazon ka ek meetha sa wrapper chadhao.

Aur kar do havale duniya ke.

Dekhte hain kitno ko samajh aaya.

Vo dard jo bhara hai andar.

Taqleef aur kabiliyat ki jung hai.

Jung ke bina maza bhi kya aayega..

My II-year.

The whole year of my life just flashed before my eyes while I was surfing through the pages of 'Renaissance' - a mag. I became editor... correction... head-editor of.

This would be one of the most dynamic year of my life. I became a head-editor and it turned out to be actually a job! But what an experience it was. It even ended with a bang. ;)

I improved upon my C.G. which hopefully will be above 7 by end of third year. The best part is that studying has nothing to do with it. I saw loads of movies, read a few novels, listened to new types of songs and tried dance as well (I suck at dancing, for now!)

I felt 'love' and that is considered a miracle by some. And like every 'love' in the history of man-kind this one too did not have a happy ending. I do not regret how things turned out. I am sad but regret is pity and I do not pity myself for my wrong decisions or choices.

'Depression' was another feeling that I felt (maybe not the first time) but definitely the longest. People commit suicide when their heart breaks. I, now, understand them though I shall still say- "Hold on! shall pass." I am totally against suicide.

I felt insanity, once again touching me and reminding me what I had lost over the years. I accredit this to a novel- "Veronica decides to Die" by 'Paulo Coelho'. It reminded me of the dreamer inside me and the craziness I had been holding in me.

Change is inevitable and seeing it happening to me before my very eyes shock me. I changed from a sensitive, unselfish, arrogant boy to a sensitive, selfish, arrogant young man. Then met my breakup and became a lost traveler. Later, with help, I lost my arrogance and selfishness together and became a nice guy. But the final twist remained and now I am a cusp- torn between a sensitive, unselfish, unarrogant man and insensitive, selfish and arrogant child. The two are so different I even named my alter ego- 'TRYST'.

I do not know where I will go from here but I have faith in people close to me. My mother especially, will not let me tread a path I regret.

Two discoveries also I might throw in as well. A sink and a source. To one I talk all my dilemmas and doubts. With other I share her emotions. I like them both, for totally different reasons. I like to talk to them for long hours and I never thought that two people of same age can generate so vast emotions in me. Its .... enchanting. For one I am protective, near other I feel protected. Talking to one is a man with experience, somber and composition. Other gets to see a child with wild ideas, fantasies and a Narnia that he has created in his mind.

Its two and a half months now before my college begins again. Before my third-year starts. I do not know how these two and a half months will change me but one thing I do know for sure. Last four sems have seen four different Kunals and the fifth sem. will be no different.

PS- There is too much I want to, so much I need to and much more I can-not tell.

I love Exams.

Somehow I like exams more than the usual days. Life seems more exciting than usual days. The stakes are higher than usual and the free time is more, to think and contemplate and relax. Also they generate an excitement and a flow of adrenaline; a thrill of danger for which you have to drive fast car or jump of the cliff. The heartbeat increases and tension flows through the body, sometimes covering the whole body in sweat (totally depends on the paper- this time physics can do this).

All people looking at me with awkward eyes, I know what you are thinking. Yeah, I am weird. :)

I love exams. 

 

PS- I wrote this a long time back but due to internet gone could not publish it. Anyways, better late than never.

Be Yourself??

I have always heard this line whenever I read some article on self-improvement. And boy! Am I a fan of this line. Yes, we should always be ourselves and not try to imitate others. Yes! YES!

But today I suddenly look back and ask myself a question. Who am I? Haven’t I changed over the past years. If I have then why have I changed or how was I myself, if ‘I’ changes anyway? And if I try to become again the person I originally was, am I not imitating someone; the earlier me?

So, what does ‘be yourself’ mean? Does it mean that be what you are at that point of time unless you change? If it is so then I will make peace with it and love the statement again. Though one doubt lingers in my mind. What if you have a certain flaw you want to change? Would it be alright to show that flaw? I mean you already want to change this thing in you but a transformation takes time and until then should you hide this or show it? I believe hide it and try to be a bit less yourself.

I think this statement was given because it is easiest for people to carry themselves as obviously no acting is involved. Thus it exudes the most confidence by the person if he is himself. It is sort of a short cut to an appearance of confidence. Confidence which few have inherently, many acquire systematically and most search for their entire life.

Exam finished.. Back to home.. Net was not working.. phew.. and MI just lost.. &@#!$#@!

These are the basic headlines since I last posted. I did not studied at all so exams went extra-ordinarily better than expected. And I do not care about the result so am home. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Not posted long as net was dead in the campus. Missed you my Uncharted Territories.. muaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... Actually have missed net a lot in exams. Did nothing but watched movies and f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

The ..phew.. is my tribute to foofa sir. :)

And yes, Mumbai Indians lost again. Some teams are good at winning, some at loosing. But this one team my friends is good at killing its fans by heart-attacks. Loosing by 2 meagre runs and that too a match they had won. :X

A momentary loss.

Tears flowed,

A little moistening of the cheeks,

Followed.

Reminding all the truths.

Hidden that were

In the bottom if my heart.

Pain that I feel, sorrow that I felt.

It all came back to me.

I have lost a million times.

Why does it hurt now?

Burnt in love a few times.

Why does it hurt now?

All the memories coming back to me.

Like before death they do.

……………………………….

PS- After this my train of thoughts collapsed and this incomplete poem is left. Though somehow it feels complete, to me. Only, it can not justify the title.

MI lost!!!

Mumbai lost and that too with huge shame. 9 wickets is too huge unless its 50 runs.  And RCB just destroyed MI bowling..

 

:’(

Tears in my eyes,

Are not coming. Thankfully..

Exams- Back with a vengeance.

They are back. This time fiercer, more violent and the toughest opponent I have ever faced. Why?

Because this time I am alone and unarmed. No Rajeev to guide me through the study (because he himself has not studied). I have not studied a single word so I am going to dogs anyway. Under this hugely depressing scenario I hear a voice inside me. Subtle yet bold. Influencing yet not oppressive. Caring and nurturing me this voice is of God telling me. “Psst.. Its Mumbai Indians vs Bangalore. Lets watch in the common room.”

And all the agony in me is drowned in the shouting of support for MI. They have made 149 and hopefully we will win.

Study has lost this battle against IPL and the exams are going to suffer. Hopefully my this worship will result in MI winning the IPL and Sachin holding the trophy.

Back to exams though, they are gonna stuff me like a duck and might even bake me like a turkey (now I am feeling hungry). But all I can see is the end of this tunnel and I see light. On 13th am going back home. Where I Rest In Peace. R.I.P.

Best of luck to all others for their exams.

Quote- I

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

-Mark Twain

 

PS- A few quotes that I like, a few quotes that I write. A few sentences which found me, a few words I find.

Fanatic

Of all the confusions that a person can have, the worst are the confusions of love. Because it involves emotions, hormones or maybe because the beating of heart overshadows the thumping of the brain. Whatever be the reason, all reasons are lost in the silence occurring between two souls separated by a sea of emotions which also is the cause of their attachment. When do you know its love? When do you know its love, enough, to last? Should this feeling be ignited or left dormant like a baby. Maybe like a baby, all this feeling would do after waking is cry and create a mess. Maybe its better off asleep, innocent, naive and beautiful.

Then comes the pang of pain, a lust, not for the body but for the relationship. You want to be happy with that person, only. It is a blinding flash temporarily killing your vision. You can not even see that the person you love is happy, already. Its not fair, I know. Its not fair, you know. And of all the times you have faced unfairness, this time, you want life to be fair, for you. All the happiness in you is drained. Obsession might be the right word. But you are called a ‘FANATIC’.

 

Every emotion I feel.

Every thought crossing my mind.

I filter,

To take out, you, of them.

Holding on to you.

Leaving all else aside. You my Love,

You my hate.

You my hurt, You my pain.

Happiness? Who needs it now.

A fragile thing at most,

It will lead me nowhere.

You are my anger, You my revenge.

Smile now never comes,

Only a mournful sneer,

Or a senile laugh.

You are my passion,

To justify all wrong, that I do.

To be evil to all,

And to you.

For you I shall kill, rob and hurt.

For you I shall cry, shout and die.

You, Yes You are my sole reason.

My survival, my end and in between,

I leave it on you.

Can you be mine, Oh! Please.

Mercy will be upon you.

With every waning moon that I see,

and every day as moon-light recede.

The devil in me is getting stronger.

Vile and loathsome though he may be,

It is but a tiny kid to thee.

Look into your heart, leaving your mind.

Look into my heart, trust me.

Else blame will be upon you,

You let a poor thing go rot.

You smiled when I cried,

Happy were you in my misery.

You are the reason for what I am.

You shall be the reason for future,

Dark, black, ugly.

Whatever it might be.

 

Dedicated to all the Fanatics.

If love is not an obsession then its not enough Love.

Pain.. More Pain..

I have to see more pain you know..

Joy I have seen unbounded, untouched and unfathomed.

I have felt love and no other joy is above it.

Thus pain is now what I seek.

All my life I have seen

Around me,

Chants of pain, cries and tears.

None have but touched me.

Am I so inhuman. Or plain selfish.

Maybe its the shield,

Shield of love.

This bounty that I have.

In no less amount than infinity I must say.

Protects me from the pain without my knowledge.

But time has reached to feel the unknown.

Time to touch what the others feel.

Time to cry, cry in vain.

Having a life-altering pain.

Am asking for too much I know.

More than I can hold.

Life-altering hence it shall be.

Will face it with my bravest face,

That I promise.

So, what do you think?

Has my judgment day arrived?

Or do I have to wait more?

Forever I guess, for the pain I seek.

Give me the pain I plea.

At least half of what happiness I feel.

I feel a thief, you know,

Stolen others’ happiness I have,

Giving them my share of grief.

I want my share back.

I want my pain back.

 

PS- Today I looked back through the time tunnel and realized what my life has been. I have no regrets, no sorrows, no experience I would not like to have. I have a smile for which I take no credit. It is a gift, my family’s gift to me. I have never had a pain that could drown my happiness or change me. Thank you ma, papa and niks. Love you always, even when I am crazy.